Something special about this blog is that I have so many posts to look back on during different seasons of my life. I have the ability to see turning points, where I’ve changed, where I’ve grown or where I’ve sort of slipped away. I’ve realized that writing here has really helped me navigate these shifts and changes. I’ve been feeling heavy in this particular season of life. Wanting to do it all and feeling like I’m failing at everything. Raising three very active boys, finding less time to work and rest and even less time to dedicate towards relationships. I once heard someone say that your life is made up of different chapters and this particular chapter has been challenging.

I miss friends. I miss giving myself the permission to focus on my friendships. I told Dave it is like we are living two separate lives – one on George’s schedule and one with the big boys.

I miss having energy to do the things that bring me joy.

One thing I’ve learned about myself over the past couple years is how important communication is for my mental health. Communication with Dave and communication with myself. Being honest about my feelings before they explode into resentment, guilt or regret. I think it is interesting that we are constantly working towards “self-help” – reading all the books, listening to podcasts, saving quotes – without actually having conversations with ourselves. We want someone else to fix the situation or tell us what to do without actually thinking hard enough about what we need. I’m grateful that these blog posts serve as a form of journaling for me, a way to get out my head. Speaking these internal conversations out loud has helped me feel less alone in these challenges and I hope it serves the same for you.

As someone who really likes to be in control of situations, I am reminded that these seasons or chapters have no real end point. They blend into the next and come back in different ways. I have found myself waiting for the seasons to change without really enjoying them. Rushing through moments that feel hard, trying to distract myself with other forms of productivity or just holding onto the stress that it brings. Instead of letting myself sink into them, be what I need to be during this particular season and enjoying it for what it is. I keep looking at this photo of a Camellia flower that I walk by in the mornings, all the layers blooming. Each petal stands alone but together they make up something beautiful. Such is the chapters and seasons of our life.

I want to look at my life as this flower. Each part is beautiful in its own way. A reminder that the hard chapters add up to something beautiful and strong. We are strong. We provide and we love and we care for. Even on the days that feel draining I have to remind myself that everything I’m doing is giving love and life to three little humans. And those feelings will carry them forever.

**something magical happens when I sit down to write these posts. From the first word to the last, so much clarity happens for me in between. It may not always make sense but I hope that me sharing these feelings helps you connect to your own.