I spent this past weekend celebrating my girlfriend’s 40th in the mountains of North Carolina. All of these friends are friends that I’ve made since moving to Charleston. It’s funny to look back at our move and feel like I’d never be settled or have friendships like the ones from home. One of the greatest joys of moving and getting older is feeling way more comfortable with myself which ultimately has lead to building friendships that feel truly authentic. Without a doubt, my most frequently asked question has been about adult friendships and making friends in our move. I thought what would be more perfect than to ask my friends who I’ve made as an adult what they value most.
Watch the video I put together here.
Our conversation was 20 minutes long and I decided to record it. We all agreed that children are a big foundation of our friendship. I felt like I truly settled into a social routine once my kids started elementary school. I have no shame in saying that my life revolves around my kids. Their routine becomes my routine and when you find families whose routines are similar, kids are similar age, etc. it all feels sort of magical. Playdates for your kids become playdates for the parents, too! That being said, my time for socialization is limited. Weeks go by and I don’t see anyone because our weekdays are busy and weekends are spent recharging. The types of friendships I find value in are the ones that don’t demand me to show up, that don’t feel surfaced, that I can reach out to in moments of weakness and know that I’ll be received with understanding and zero judgement. Our time is so limited as parents and I want my friendships to feel safe and easy.
There were many years between just starting to have kids to where we are now where you feel like you have to find yourself. I felt this way moving to Charleston and being introduced to an entire new community. I leaned in to saying “yes!” a lot, which was great, but I got to a point where my energy was thin. I knew that boundaries had to be created and my social capacity had to be a little more protected. I think that is the beauty in becoming an adult and knowing who you are, you get to claim your time and energy. True friendships require effortless energy. You get to show up exactly as you are. It takes awhile to feel truth in this statement. I know the uncertainty that comes from putting yourself out there and worrying that no one will like you (haha it sounds sort of sad but it’s true!). I still have moments where insecurity sneaks up on me but I know that it is a clear indicator that maybe the friendship isn’t meant to be or it doesn’t demand the energy that I’m giving it! Lean into what your body and emotions are telling you, they usually don’t lie.
I asked our group of 10 what they valued most in friendships as an adult and here are some of their bullet points:
- Connection
- Belonging
- Lack of Drama
- No judgement
- Loyalty
- Authenticity
- Effortless
- Zero Expectations
- Humor/Laughter
- Fun
- Freedom to be Yourself
Ultimately I think trusting yourself and the feelings you get around certain people is a clear indicator of who you should lean into. There is no popularity contest here. We all deserve to find people who lift us up, encourage us, see us. At the end of our conversation we all agreed that leaning in and putting yourself out there is really important. We live in a world where social media/peer judgement gives us first impressions of people we don’t actually know (I hate this). Keeping yourself open to making your own first impression while also knowing not everyone needs to be your best friend. Fewer, better. I always say I barely have enough energy to have a conversation with Dave let alone anyone else, ha.
You gotta find your people! The ones that make you feel equal.
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