Yesterday my oldest son turned 10. That alone is insane to me but it also blows my mind that I have been a mom for 10 years. So many of you have been here since before we had kids and before we even got married! I have shared so many monumental moments of my life on the internets (the archives are a special place) and it felt fitting to share my thoughts on 10 years of motherhood.

My entry into motherhood wasn’t the easiest. I think having a presence on social media didn’t help me at the time. I always assumed I would be a great mom. I’ve always been very maternal and love to take care of people but when I had Charlie I immediately felt like a disappointment. I held very strong to the person I was before Charlie. Telling my friends that having a baby wouldn’t change me, unsure of how to show up for my community here and on social media and generally trying to identify with an entirely new identity. Truthfully I felt very lost. I would ask my friends with kids how they stepped into motherhood so seamlessly, wondering why it was so hard for me. I would sit on the couch at night, holding baby Charlie and crying to Dave telling him I felt so alone.

Charlie was also a tough baby. Looking back I think he definitely had colic. He was on medicine for acid reflux, our pediatrician told me he had “failure to thrive” and that I needed to stop breastfeeding (which only heightened my feeling of failure). Some nights we would rock Charlie until 5am and think it was normal. I was so used to being someone who could “fix” things and that just wasn’t the case. I would take Charlie to local music classes, even when he was way too little to appreciate, just to immerse myself in other moms. Hoping that seeing them in their element would help me find my own. I look back at photos of myself that first year and I just want to give myself a hug. I kept a lot of the struggles inside and didn’t even share entirely with Dave.

Between the time that Charlie was 6 months old to a year, I found my footing. Charlie became my little buddy and I leaned in to doing things that brought me joy before becoming a mom, just with him. I fully enjoyed being a mom, making plans with other moms, bopping around Chicago with my stroller. By the time I got pregnant with Jack, I vowed to never let myself get back to that first taste of motherhood. I told myself that with him it would be like becoming a mom for the first time. Jack taught me how strong I was and how important it was to take care of myself. I relished and savored Jack as a baby. Letting myself lean in and taking care of my mental and physical health. It was a dream!

I remembered how toxic social media made me feel after having Charlie. Like nothing I could ever do would be perfect enough to share with my community. I believed that my audience would never want my version of motherhood and after having Jack, I vowed to never let my account share anything but what was real for me. This shift has completely changed everything about who I am. It has allowed me to fully accept my life, the stresses that come with motherhood, the chaos that comes with three children (and three boys!). It has helped me to accept people where they are, to understand that everyone is going through something, to create stronger relationships, to have better communication with those around me and to share openly and honestly how I’m feeling. It has made me more empathetic and celebratory of whatever the heck it is we need to celebrate. It has given me the upmost appreciation for being a mom, the transition it takes to enter into motherhood, all the things we lose and all the incredible things we gain.

As my kids get older, every season of motherhood demands a new version of me. It has been such a gift to watch my kids grow up, help them understand new emotions and take care of them. I am no where near a perfect mom but I have loved learning what each of my kids needs from me. I know that this will get more challenging (bigger kids, bigger problems) but I feel prepared to always lead with love, remind my kids that communication is always open without judgement and that with me they will always be safe.

The truth is that motherhood rips you open. Your heart no longer lives inside of you when you have kids. We spend our days anticipating, protecting, supplying little joys, nurturing and making them feel loved. What once felt like the scariest hurdle is now something that gives me the utmost pride and purpose every single day. 10 years in and I am just so grateful. And if you ever need a mom friend, know that I’m here. xoxo