No matter how many kids you have – 1, 3, 5, 7, 10 – being a mom is hard. I think the one shocking realization that we know but maybe don’t expect to be so all-consuming is the overwhelming emotions that come from holding and caring for lives outside of our own. The need and hope to make everything easy for them, looking ahead and saving them from hard situations, knowing the uncertainty in new phases of life, self-discovery, and friendships. It’s all a lot and especially as my boys get older, I see glimmers of their sweet innocent childhood slipping away. And it makes me sad and also thrills me for what is ahead. Motherhood is a constant push and pull of excitement and nostalgia, all wrapped into one. 2022 carried a lot of big feelings and new phases and stages and chaos with our kids and I hope this year brings a more settled and peaceful routine.
And if I’m being honest, having three kids has really tested me. My patience, my faith in myself, my ability to maintain routine and some sort of organization at home, my exhaustion levels, and my emotional capacity. I was telling a friend that it is not that adding another child to the family is technically “harder” – like kids are kids and they demand your attention or rely on you for everything until they get to a certain age. So it’s not that more kids are harder because you sort of know what to expect. What is harder is that you have less time for yourself, less time for your relationships and passions and all the things that make you, you. It’s more to carry, emotionally and physically. I feel like with George turning 2 we are just coming out of the fog that is baby and into toddlerhood. This makes me so excited because for so long I felt this divide between the big boys and George and now it is like we can all come back together as a family unit. And at the same time, I mourn the baby days and think to myself, should we have one more?
I went back and forth on this idea the last two years and finally feel like I’m at a point where I look at George and see the baby of the family. Like this little trio is it for us and deciding to close that chapter of life for myself has helped me settle into our family more. Does that make sense? Like I sort of felt this urgency to make the choice for me and my body and my emotions knowing all that comes with adding to your family. And it feels so good to know. Granted, if someone handed me a newborn I would do it all over again in a second. But there is a sense of relief knowing we are here and we have three healthy beautiful boys and our family is complete.
I don’t know why I felt called to write this little update. But I have had some conversations with friends and realized that last year was hard for me. And I didn’t talk about it much but I felt very consumed by the worry and guilt and feeling stretched too thin and unable to handle all the emotions that come with being a mom and balancing it all. I wish I could let things go and just be in it and embrace the chaos and uncertainty and the FEELS, but that just isn’t me. I’m a feeler and I don’t like to be surprised, I like to know what is ahead and I feel like I finally know.
I guess I also just want to say that this season of life with young kids and trying to build friendships and nourishing your relationships is hard. It is sort of this out-of-body experience and you often forget to check in with yourself sometimes. So this is my check-in! Acknowledging what is hard, committing to more freedom, and days that are simple and unexpected. I’m growing up! It really is wild to think of how much I’ve changed on the internets over the years. Some of you have been with me for a long long time (before kids, before getting married) and I’m so grateful. Thank you for hanging with me as life takes more priority. It should! For all of us. Less time looking at other people’s lives and more time enjoying our own. Motherhood has taught me that time is a thief and time is all we have. Life is what you make it!