March 25th, 2018 was Dave’s birthday! We woke up so excited to bring him coffee and pancakes in bed. Jack was only 4 months old and Charlie was my little busy body. We were living at my parent’s house while we finished renovating our kitchen so Dave and I slept on the third floor. Charlie and I made him a coffee and a plate full of pancakes and walked up two flights of stairs to the third floor. I had Jack in one arm and a cup of coffee in the other while Charlie carried the pancakes. When we got upstairs I took a photo of Jack and Charlie laying with Dave in bed! They were so cute. I laid Jack on a daybed behind me and sat down next to him to rub his belly. I got up to help Charlie off the bed and Jack rolled off the daybed and landed on his back on the ground. I was a wreck! He had never rolled over and I cried as he sobbed thinking that I was the worst mom in the world. All morning I feared he had a concussion. I kept checking his pupils and double checking his body for bumps and bruises.
When I put Jack down for his morning nap he seemed totally fine so Dave went to the gym and I stayed home with the boys. I needed to shower so decided to have Charlie join me (not out of the ordinary)! We grabbed a bunch of toys and he played on the ground while I showered. He stepped out of the shower to grab an extra toy and when he stepped back in he slipped and slammed the side of his head on the tile floor of the shower. I still remember the sound it made. He cried as any normal child would, I checked for bumps and after a few minutes he calmed down. Fast forward a couple of hours and we were cooking a big lunch for Dave’s birthday when all of a sudden Charlie fell over while standing on the ground. He tried to get up and couldn’t walk. Dave picked him up, handed him to me, told me he was going to start vomiting and that we needed to go to the ER. He had a concussion. So all morning I was worried about Jack and Charlie falls and gets a concussion. On my watch. Both boys fell on my watch.
We rushed him to the ER and waited for a doctor to examine him. Charlie still couldn’t stand up on his own or take any steps without falling (terrifying given Charlie is the most STABLE child ever). The ER doctor recommended we do an MRI to rule out bleeding of his brain. I sobbed and we agreed that would be best. Thank the lord the MRI came back clear and after another couple hours in the ER he slowly got his stability back and we were released. It was truly the worst day of my life thus far. Two days later he was checked again by his pediatrician who so kindly reminded me that these things happen and it won’t be my last trip to the ER as a mom to boys.
Since becoming a mom, my anxiety has skyrocketed. I wouldn’t say it’s constant but when it is there, it is dark. I fear the worst possible outcome of everything. I second guess certain situations thinking what if something happened a different way. I think these thoughts come with the territory when every day you’re living for someone else. I look at Charlie and Jack and think of their innocence and the fact that every day they wake up feeling safe because of the life we’ve set in place for them. I hope they always find comfort in that, even when they see the darkness in our world. When I’m caught up in the joy of every day, the dark thoughts subside. When I let myself just enjoy what’s in front of me instead of reading the news or seeing another child diagnosed with cancer posted on social media then I don’t fear the what if’s or unknowns. Do I know how to cope? I don’t think so. But I know that every day I’m doing the best that I can to keep them safe and healthy and happy and ultimately that is the best I can do.